Asking for a Friend: Help! I constantly worry about what others think of me
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It is definitely easier said than done – here is what you can do to stop worrying so much about what others think. Photo: ShutterstockNeed an answer to a personal question that you’ve never mustered the courage to ask? We’ve been there. Whether it is about school, family issues or social life, share your thoughts with us. If you have a question you’d like answered (about anything at all), please fill out this form. Don’t worry – you will remain anonymous!
Dear Friend,
I appear confident and outgoing, and many of my peers think I am an extrovert. But I have a lot of anxiety. I constantly worry about what others think of me: my appearance, my ability to perform, whether I am doing my best and whether I can meet others’ expectations. What are some things I can do on my own to stop myself from being concerned with what other people think about me? Is there a type of music to listen to or a sport that might make me feel better?
Signed, Seeking Composure
Help! My friends don’t talk that much in our group chat any more
Dear Seeking,
This is a great question! I can guarantee other teenagers are thinking the same thing, especially about their social world and connections.
It would not be surprising to find them exhausted at the end of the school day after spending so much mental energy wondering what others think about them and if they are keeping up with their peers.
Changing this thinking habit takes intentional effort – but it is achievable. Let’s break it down a little.
Your identity
This period of your life naturally comes with an excessive amount of concern. Why? Well, your teen years are when you want to “fit in” at school and not seem too different.
But at the same time, it is also when you are trying to create and establish who you are: your identity. As you build a sense of self, it will probably matter to you if others like the person you are becoming. It is a challenging time, and it is not easy.
Here is an easy acronym to remember when you feel the anxiety settling in – TOK.
T – Think
What you think about yourself matters. Pay attention to the kind of thoughts you have about yourself. Research shows that when a person has a negative self-image, they tend to view their behaviour and abilities more negatively.
If you find yourself thinking badly about yourself or what you have done, try to keep in mind that no one is expecting you to be perfect all the time. Even if you do something you are embarrassed about, there will be a way to resolve the problem.
If you did something that has hurt or caused a problem for someone, apologise. If no one got hurt, think about how to avoid repeating it next time.
O – (Don’t) Overestimate
Remember, every teenager is focused on themselves, concerned about their behaviour and worried about making mistakes or falling short of other people’s expectations.
Studies show that teens tend to overestimate how much other teens think about them. Most young people are so focused on themselves and trying to fit in that they do not spend much time thinking about other people!
This is important to know. Do not overestimate how much – and how badly – others may be thinking about your mistakes.
K – Kind
As humans, we enjoy being with others in social settings. But did you know that the quality of our relationships also influences our happiness?
Most teenagers want their peers to think of them as likeable and considerate of others, while also hoping to be wanted by their social group.
If you make a conscious effort to treat others with kindness, then even if you do not perform well at school or look a certain way, others will appreciate, respect, and admire you for the kind person you are.
Sending you strength, Friend of a Friend
This question was answered by Lolita Schmalenberg, a teen and adult psychotherapist at Lifespan Counselling.