Asking for a Friend: Help! My mother thinks I’m rebelling but I find studying really hard
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Dear Friend,
I think everyone goes through a rebellious phase. I am struggling with my schoolwork, and I feel lazy and unmotivated. I don’t know how to overcome this lack of enthusiasm. I used to rely on my mother to help me study, but she is very busy now. I recently told her I wanted to improve my grades, and she said, “You? Can you do that? I don’t think so.” It really hurt my feelings. She has even said our relationship has become unhealthy. What can I do?
Signed, Lethargic
Help! I struggle with self-harm and don’t know who to turn to
Dear Lethargic,
Oof, that comment from your mum must have really stung! What you are going through is not really a “rebellious phase”. It’s more like your brain and heart are getting an upgrade, bringing with it plenty of confusion.
You’re not rebelling
It is common to feel two things at once, such as wanting to spend time with your mother and feeling hurt or angry when she says something invalidating. These mixed feelings are a sign your relationship is growing and changing as you become more independent. Practically everyone goes through this confusing time where we love our parents but also feel frustrated with them.
Your feelings are valid
Sometimes, adults say discouraging things that are more about what they are going through than about you. Your mother being so busy and stressed might make her say things she usually would not. Learning not to take these comments personally – even if they hurt – can be your secret superpower.
Now, about those grades
Instead of trying to tackle everything at once – which is overwhelming – try thinking of your subjects like a playlist.
For example, say you have nine subjects:
• Your “Top 3 Hits”: subjects where you naturally shine. Keep the momentum, but watch your energy.
• Your “Meh 3”: subjects you could boost with some help. Teachers often want to help but cannot spot every student’s needs in a big class. Speaking up helps them help you!
• Your “Challenge 3”: tough subjects requiring extra support. Consider getting a tutor, someone neutral who can focus on you.
Try to reconnect
It would be completely understandable if you were missing that time you used to have with your mother. Your grades don’t have to be the main character in your relationship. Magic happens when you separate study stress from family time. Think of it like having different apps for different things instead of trying to do everything on one.
Here are some quality time ideas:
• Bubble tea breaks – even 15 minutes can mean a lot for both of you
• Quick breakfast dates
• Weekend movie sessions
• Running errands together
Remember: growing up is not rebelling; it is evolving. This includes your relationships and your way of handling challenges. Take it one subject at a time and one conversation at a time. Keep being brave enough to want better things for yourself.
Cheering you on, Friend of a Friend
This question was answered by Avis Ngan, a clinical psychologist at Mindsight Hong Kong