Celebrate all types of love this Valentine’s Day

Romantic love – a deep, intimate partnership with another person or people – is a valuable part of life. But experts say it’s good to remember that we need to have several sources of connection.

“Especially as we get older, we recognise that no one relationship is going to provide us with everything,” said Mikaela Frissell, a social worker for UT Health Austin, the clinical practice of the Dell Medical School at The University of Texas in Austin, United States.

Love isn’t something that can easily be pinned down with a single definition or behaviour, either.

As a verb, love has two things at play, according to epidemiologist Tyler VanderWeele, who directs Harvard University’s Human Flourishing Programme. It can be “unitive” – you desire and want to be with the person or thing you love – and/or “contributive”, meaning you want to contribute to the good of your beloved.

The experts also said an expanded definition and view of love opens up the possibilities toward whom and what you can direct these “unitive” and “contributive” feelings.

In 2023, then-US Surgeon General Vivek Murthy declared loneliness a public health epidemic.

Murthy’s report said half of Americans have experienced loneliness and that it poses health risks as deadly as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. The research also found that people with poor social relationships had a higher risk of stroke and heart disease, and isolation raises a person’s chance of depression, anxiety and dementia.

Love’s strong social connections, bonding and support are linked to better health because it allows the brain to signal to the body that you are safe and take your nervous system out of “fight or flight”, Frissell said. Research shows being with loved ones can lower blood pressure and stress hormones, reduce inflammation and even help you sleep and better manage pain.

The ongoing Harvard Study of Adult Development showed the value of relationships across a lifetime.

Anthony Chambers, a psychologist and chief academic officer at The Family Institute at Northwestern University, said one of the Harvard study’s findings was people who were happiest in their relationships at 50 were the healthiest mentally and physically at 80.

“The conclusion? Building meaningful and satisfying relationships is key to our health and well-being,” said Chambers, who worked on the study early in his career.

Simply put, intentionally seek out in-person connections, experts said.

What’s not so simple is planning things with other people. It may be uncomfortable to sift through calendars to find a date for dinner with a busy friend or call your sibling who does not have much to talk about. Perhaps it’ll be awkward to strike up a conversation with the elderly neighbour you have not met or join a softball team.

Acknowledge and interrogate the fears or assumptions that keep you from reaching out in those moments, Frissell said.

There is also doing good things for other people – even if you don’t know them well. Frissell challenges clients to compliment someone every day and be open to accepting one in return. The benefits of receiving and giving love are the same, she said.

VanderWeele recommends an exercise he practises: Choose one day a week, for six weeks, to do five acts of kindness. It forces you to plan and prioritise kindness intentionally, just like any other daily task, he said.

Your Voice: Balancing love and schoolwork (short letters)

This Valentine’s Day, experts encourage you to think beyond one-on-one relationships and reflect on your community and world. Commitment to a cause or group builds mental resilience, they added.

“We all seek to be understood and validated, especially during difficult times. And relationships are arguably the most important context for emotional healing,” Chambers said. “When the world around us can seem to be in chaos, or we’re feeling alone, relationships provide the opportunity for us to feel validated.”