Asking for a Friend: Help! I’m jealous of my best friend’s new boyfriend. What should I do?
- Each week, we respond to a question from our readers and give advice and resources they can turn to
- This week, we help a teen who can’t help feeling anxious about their bestie’s new BF
It’s normal to feel a little jealous when someone else starts taking up your friends’ time, but it’s important not to let it get in the way of your friendship. Photo: ShutterstockNeed an answer to a personal question that you’ve never mustered the courage to ask? We’ve been there. Whether it is about school, family issues or social life, share your thoughts with us. If you have a question you’d like answered (about anything at all), please fill out this Google Form. Don’t worry – you will remain anonymous!
Dear Friend,
My best friend has a boyfriend, and I am jealous of their relationship. But I can’t say this to her because it would ruin our friendship.
I want to support her relationship, but whenever I see her with her boyfriend, I get jealous, stressed and angry. I am also unable to focus on my studies because of this. How do I get rid of these thoughts?
Sincerely, Jealous
Help! My friends are starting to date, but I think it’s silly when you’re a teenager
Dear Jealous,
First of all, what you’re feeling is perfectly normal. Jealousy is a reflection of what your heart is telling you. Ask yourself why you are experiencing these emotions. Here are some of the most common thoughts and advice on how to deal with them:
1. “Am I being replaced?” You are not. You might not be the first person she goes to with her thoughts and feelings now, but it does not mean you are no longer her best friend. She might just need some time to learn how to balance her relationships.
2. “Am I being left behind?” Just because you are not in a romantic relationship right now does not mean it will stay this way forever. You will develop your own in the future, if that’s what you want.
3. “Is it OK to feel sad or mad?” Yes, it is. Give yourself time to process and become more comfortable with the change. Focus on other things while your friend learns how to balance her relationships.
4. “Will I lose her forever?” No, you will not. Your friendship is not over because of her new relationship. It just might take some time to get used to the new dynamic.
Jealousy is an unavoidable part of life, and what matters most is how you handle it. Take it as an opportunity to reflect on your life – and your friendship – and figure out how to make positive changes.
I’m too possessive of my friends when I introduce them to new people. What should I do?
If you are nervous about telling your best friend how you feel, practise what you want to say with another friend first. Alternatively, you can write down what’s on your mind and talk to her later, when you feel more confident.
Here are some ways to start the conversation: “I feel less important to you, and we are spending less time together now that you are dating. Can we fix a time to chat about it?” or “I am happy that you have a partner, and I would like to talk to you about how I feel about this change.”
Be patient with yourself and your friend. It’s normal to feel a little strange at first, but things will settle down.
You’ve got this, Friend of a Friend
This question was answered by clinical psychologist Ken Fung, director of therapy and counselling at Jadis Blurton Family Development Center in Hong Kong and founder of Your Relationship Clinic.