The Naked Truth | Are you unsure whether to date? Why ‘hesidating’ is on the rise and how to tell if someone’s doing it

Many parts of the world have learned to live with Covid-19, but the last two years have thrown a curveball at the dating scene. At the beginning of the pandemic, social restrictions made dating near impossible, as people were either unable to go out for dates or were fearful of contracting the virus. But in 2022, some people are now approaching romantic relationships in new ways or have adopted a totally different view on singlehood. Some have learned not to take relationships for granted, while others are signing up to the new concept of self-partnership, which involves partnering with yourself, treating yourself as the one you are with, and focusing on self-growth. The pandemic has also forced many to think about their priorities in life. Some have come to realise that romance may not be their top concern or have given up on love (at least for the time being). But one other interesting effect the pandemic has had is that a perpetual feeling of uncertainty has been embedded into people’s psych when it comes to dating. This has given rise to “hesidating”. Some dating experts believe this new trend is more prevalent than we might realise. If you are unsure about your relationship status or whether you want something serious or more casual, this is considered hesidating. “Hesidating is a sense of ‘I am unsure’, ‘let me check it out’ or ‘maybe not’,” says Dr Quratulain Zaidi, a Hong Kong-based clinical psychologist. “In comparison, FODA – fear of dating again – is ‘it’s scary’ and that impacts your desire to ever date again.” Date… yourself? If Emma Watson can do it: the benefits of self-partnership The states are different but interconnected, and one behaviour can often enable the other, Zaidi adds. “Hesidating means one is feeling indifferent about dating or is unsure if they want to date – either seriously or casually – because of how uncertain life has been. For the past two years, this trend has taken hold in the dating scene and is on the rise. “It is not surprising though. It’s easier to develop a sense of ambivalence about relationship commitments. Think about it: why would anyone want to commit to making themselves vulnerable to the possibility of getting hurt when everything around us is perpetually uncertain? “Even before the pandemic, the fear of commitment kept people from enjoying meaningful relationships, and the pandemic has exacerbated that fear.” How do you find out if someone is hesidating? “Ask these questions: ‘Is the person emotionally available?’; ‘Is there a lack of emotional depth?’; ‘Are they receptive to being present and are they curious about you?’; or ‘Are they not engaged or give mixed signals?’” Zaidi advises. “Being avoidant is a common protective mechanism that is employed by people who are faced with stressful situations – this includes dating. This is when the relationship engagement is not reciprocal, so someone is hesitant to make plans, or plans are often cancelled at the very last minute. “People often look for reasons why the relationship won’t work so it’s easier to walk away.” Acting out sexual fetishes can introduce a new dynamic to your love life To understand whether you are the one who is hesidating, Zaidi says you should look inward. “Self-reflection and gaining a better understanding of yourself for the underlying reason for this ‘hesidation’ avoidance would serve you better in the long run,” she says. “If you’re hesidating, it doesn’t matter how good someone looks on paper, you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop as you will find any excuse to end the relationship. It may not be a big deal for casual dating, but it can be detrimental to more serious relationships. “In every relationship, it’s important to be honest and ask if you are ready for a relationship or if you really know what a meaningful relationship looks like for you. This includes being in a relationship with yourself, as being self-partnered is not synonymous with forced singlehood. “You need to gain deeper understanding of what the reason is for hesidating if it is impacting your current dating life.” It is perfectly fine to continue hesidating if you are happy and still figuring out what you want, Zaidi says. Bear in mind, though, that there is no such thing as a perfect partner. Taking a risk in an uncertain and constantly changing world can challenge us to revaluate what we thought was normal, especially in social situations. “Maybe we need to reset and focus on creating meaningful experiences and relationships in our lives and be willing to take those risks in a meaningful way, as we all know that life really is too short,” Zaidi says. Luisa Tam is a Post correspondent who also hosts video tutorials on Cantonese language that are now part of Cathay Pacific’s in-flight entertainment programme

The Naked Truth | Are you unsure whether to date? Why ‘hesidating’ is on the rise and how to tell if someone’s doing it

The pandemic has caused many singles to have a perpetual sense of uncertainty when it comes to dating, giving rise to a new breed of dater

‘Hesidaters’ are always looking for an excuse to end a relationship, no matter how good someone looks on paper

nproxy.org

The Naked Truth | Are you unsure whether to date? Why ‘hesidating’ is on the rise and how to tell if someone’s doing it

The pandemic has caused many singles to have a perpetual sense of uncertainty when it comes to dating, giving rise to a new breed of dater ‘Hesidaters’ are always looking for an excuse to end a relationship, no matter how good someone looks on paper

nproxy.org

The pandemic has caused many singles to have a perpetual sense of uncertainty when it comes to dating, giving rise to a new breed of dater

‘Hesidaters’ are always looking for an excuse to end a relationship, no matter how good someone looks on paper